Is it really possible?

Am I really about to start planning your first birthday?

I vowed before you were born that I would do my best to be present for each and every moment of your first year (and beyond) because I knew from your brother just how quickly it all goes by. Blink.Of.An.Eye kind of quick. And for the most part, I have kept my vow...even during the difficult up every two hours to nurse and infant reflux and the heartbreak of having to leave you with your nanny and go to work and the beyond heartbreak of you wanting to stay with your nanny instead of come to me at the end of the day - I'm still recovering from that one, but such is the life of a working mother.

I have tried to burn every moment and every emotion into my brain...better than that, into my senses (my brain has become a less reliable organ for memory recall since your birth). The smell of fresh diapers, the fluff of your hair against my cheek as you lay your head on my shoulder all fresh and clean, dried and wrapped up in your feety pajamas after the tub. I have watched as your tiny fingers, wrapped around mine, pudged up and dimples formed on your knuckles. I have watched you...every minute of you, gaining confidence, finding your style, finding your voice. I have watched you admire your brother, feed your sippy cup to the dog, attempt to eat the cat. I have watched you learn to do so many things. All because, well, that is what mothers do. We gaze at our children in wonder at the amazing and perfect things that you do every day. And also because you are my last baby. You are my last.

Still what I can't believe is that, even though I have been present and in the moment since your birth, the year is simply flying by. This first year of my last baby is nearly over. And we all know that once you're a year old, you're really not a "baby" anymore. You are your own little man. You are brave and bold and persistent with very little patience and I fear (and am simultaneously immensely proud) that once you put on those walking shoes and start running around, that you will never look back.

And so my sweet, vocal boy, please forgive me if in the next two months I snuggle you extra close. If I hold on to you for an extra breath to inhale your sweet baby smells before they all too quickly turn into little boy smells. Forgive me if try to rock you when you want to fall asleep on your own. Forgive me if I try to help you when you can do it yourself.

Someday you will understand how fast a year goes...how fast a baby grows.

xo - Mama