Tuesday, February 28, 2012

This is Not My Beautiful Life...

You know that Talking Heads song...


And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, 

With a beautiful wife
And you may ask yourself - Well...How did I get here?


This kind of feels like my life - except well, I don't have a wife, but when I take the time to really look around and think about my life (during the 3 seconds between checking fevers, running errands, doing my best Darth Vader impression, and patting a little bum in hopes that the little boy attached to that little bum will please, please, please go to sleep) I sometimes wonder how I got here.

I look at the extra bedrooms that we designed and see them filled with little boy clothes and little boy shoes, little boy toys, and little boy boundless energy and love. I watch these two little silly beings splash and play and fight over toys in the tub and I wonder how on earth we got so lucky. It's really enough good fortune for one lifetime to simply find someone to love and spend your days with, but to grow a family with that person and build a life and home...well I have no words (rare I know) for how lucky that makes me feel.

And on top of that, our children are happy and healthy (and silly and loud) and we can provide them with all of the things they need and most of the things that they want. While I would love to say that we don't spoil our children, I think we probably do. We don't always wait for special occasions like birthdays or holidays to give them new toys or new clothes. We simply can't wait to see the joy on their precious little faces when presented with a gift we know they will love. We both spend most of our weekdays away from them at work, and maybe we feel we need to give them these things because we can't give them ourselves all the time.

While we work a lot, when we're not working we try our best to give them our full attention. We get on the floor and play . We listen to them and ask about their days. We have dinner together. We both give them baths and get them ready for bed most nights. And, if the littlest one cooperates, we read books together. We make our children our world. And I have always been proud of us for putting them first and being able to give them "the best" despite our meager carpenter and environmentalist budget. We have been able to give our children nearly everything we have wanted to give them...and it has been blissful. It has felt successful. And it has made me feel that, even though I can't spend every minute of the day with my sweet little boys, I am a good mother because I give them "the best" - whatever "the best" may be...star wars action figures, organic food, ninja legos, fresh berries regardless of the season, cozy bedrooms, colorful play spaces, a hundred "I love yous" and "I'm proud of yous", and endless time spelling words over and over again until Brody knows the letters by heart. It means a million other things, and maybe most importantly, it means finding the best people to care for our children when we cannot.

So when I look around our house and see everything we have accomplished and provided, when I drop Brody off at his fancy private school in my new (to me) fancy big car that I park next to all the other fancy parents' fancy cars, I feel well, fancy. And again I feel successful...and it feels good!

This fancy life feels good, until we got next year's tuition increase notice in the mail for Brody's fancy school...and the bubble burst...and I realized this fanciness is not reality...this fanciness is not my beautiful life.

"And you may ask yourself
Where is that large automobile?
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful house!
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful wife!"


Ok, so I'm being a bit dramatic...it is an amazingly beautiful life, and all of the things I have described (minus the fanciness) are real and true, but the thought of not being able to afford Brody's magical, 2-miles down the road, perfectly perfect school just devastates me.

I cried.

Well, after I called the school to make sure there wasn't a mistake that 10 months of kindergarten was going to cost more than a year of what I paid to go to college...I cried. 

And after I ran the numbers to see if we cancel cable and lower our cell phone plans and sell the tractor and sell a kidney on the black market if we could afford it and realized that we still can't...I cried. 

And yes, even after I sent his name in for public kindergarten registration and toured a great after-school center for him to be bussed to after kindergarten (yes, I realize I am going to hell for even considering having my precious child take a bus without me from kindergarten to the after-school center)...I cried. 

But my tears are not so much because the school or the after-school center are worse than the fancy school he is at now. The public school will be a brand new (dare I say fancy) building and the center is awesome. They have a very structured program for the 5-6 year olds. The building is clean and pleasant and they have afternoon clubs, sports, and activities. They even have a pool for cryin' out loud. 

I have realized that my tears are because I feel like I failed and because I feel terrible that my boy has to change schools again. While I'm sure he will have no trouble making new friends and getting used to a new place, my whole intention of sending him to the fancy school was to be able to take advantage of full day kindergarten. I feel like I didn't do enough research and didn't make the best decision for him. Had I known that we wouldn't have been able to afford for him to stay there for kindergarten, I would have expanded my search to find a place that we could have afforded for him to stay another year. My tears are full of guilt for not being able to provide him with what I consider "the best". And I am disappointed in myself.


And I don't quite know what to do with that yet...because how can I possible disappoint this boy?

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Mr. Cookie Face

No words necessary...

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Happy 1st Birthday Sampson the Wonder Dog!

Happy 1st Birthday to Sampson, our crazy, energetic, bull-in-a-china-shop, furry boy! 

 

You are certainly not the most obedient dog. You shed more than anything with short hair should. You can't seem to resist chasing the cat or eating turkey poop, and are sometimes too busy sniffing leaves or watching birds fly by to realize that you are in fact peeing on your own foot. Despite these things, you are most certainly our dog and you belong with our often crazy, never on time, always loving family.  

I realize that you hear "no" from us more often than you'd like (maybe you should learn that chewing on Han Solo and nibbling baby feet are not things that puppies are supposed to do and you'd hear "no" a lot less...just sayin'), and you probably hear me grumbling sometimes about how "my floors are scratched and covered with dog hair", but I would like to take this moment to thank you for a few things...

1. Your ability to make us laugh at your goofy behavior, particularly when you seem to have absolutely no concept of how big of a dog you have become.
 

 2. Your patience and gentle manner around our human children. I know you get bopped and patted, pulled and head-butted and your easy-going attitude does not go unrecognized.




3. Your enthusiasm for the outdoors. It gets us out of the house and moving our bodies even when all that we want to do is curl up by the fire.

4. Your curiosity and downright nosiness (yes, I realize that most of the time I get irritated at this, especially when you jump up on the bed in the morning to make sure I'm still in it, or barge into the shower during the only time that I actually spend alone to see if I need you to lick the shower floor dry). When I'm having a bad day or a frustrated moment, or when I need a good snuggle, you are always there with your wet little nose and your puppy-dog eyes!

5. You make my husband incredibly happy and feel that his life is complete. Apparently, in Ryan's world, a life is not complete without a dog to share it with (you'd think a wife and two kids would be sufficient, but you my friend are apparently the cherry on top)

.

So Happy Birthday to our sweet, goofy boy. May the coming year bring you delectable treats, long walks through the woods, chew toys you can't destroy, and ample tummy rubs!



Sunday, February 12, 2012

Seven

It was seven years ago today that I met you.

And while I wouldn't ever really want to relive our first date...that awkward blind date with your bright red shirt and forced conversation, I would happily relive every single moment by your side since.

After two babies, building a house, and every other adventure of building this life with you, I still feel lucky and grateful that it is you I share this crazy, beautiful life with. When I married you, I knew that you would be a supportive, creative, loving partner. After I saw you rock our first baby to sleep, I knew that you would be an amazing father. I see the way that our boys look at you, with love and trust and admiration in their big beautiful eyes, and I know that you are teaching them, through your words and your actions, how to be a good man. And in case I haven't thanked you already for that...thank you.

I know that our time for just the two of us has been on a bit of a hiatus and will continue to be until our boys get a little older - until they get too embarrassed to hold our hands and they choose their friends over us. I know our big Friday "date nights" now consist mostly of getting the kids to bed, getting the dishes put away, and watching Grey's Anatomy on the DVR in the living room. But this is only temporary. I have big plans for us...for traveling and building things and focusing on you and focusing on me, and focusing on you.and.me. I have big plans.

Until those you and me days arrive, I want you to know that, while it may not always seem this way, I love every single minute of our life together. Amazingly enough, I still love the scent of you at the end of the day when you're covered in sawdust and hard work. I thought after seven years, that would have worn off. I love the family we have created. I love the world that exists when I pull into our driveway and see my three boys wave at me from the kitchen window.  I love the air that greets me at the front door. Have you noticed that the air around our house is different than the air anywhere else? It is cleaner. It moves easier in and out of my lungs. It is filled with love. It is filled with us and the scent of home...and there is no other place in the world I would rather be than home with you. So please remember that when our conversations center around Brody's play dates and the consistency of Jameson's poops - when we're scrambling to get four different people to four different places before 8am - when dividing and conquering is the only way to get through the day.

Please remember that I love you so. Here's to 7 more...and 7 more...and 7 more...and 7 more...you get the point...















You are so loved...

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Recipe for a Good Life...

Also known as "Things that Make Jillian REALLY Happy"
In no particular order...

A front porch with a view - because at the end of a long summer day, there is nothing that beats a cold glass of lemonade (or pino grigio!) while listening to the crickets as the sun sinks behind the trees.
 

Pino Grigio - because I just reminded myself of how delicious it is. It is refreshing and fun and significantly lessens my anxiety.
Projects to keep your hands busy and result in useful and beautiful things - because we can all use more useful and beautiful things in our lives
 like making jewelry...
 

...and diaper balm...

...and anything to do with yarn
 

A piece of land to grow food - because it's in my DNA and I simply cannot deny it. There is something peaceful and deeply satisfying about growing food. I feel most at peace with the world when I am able to tend and harvest my garden.
 

and eating home-grown goodness - because why grow it if you're not going to eat it silly?

 A cozy seat by the fire - because fire can warm your bones and your soul in a single lick of a flame.
 

Baked goods from scratch - because it makes me feel close to my grandmother...and it tastes delicious.

A husband who loves to dance - because, well I think the joy taking over my being in this picture says it all.

Pudgy little baby hands - no explanation needed.

Fun play places - because winters in New Hampshire are long and children tend to bounce off the walls.

Love notes in my lunchbox - because it is nice to be unexpectedly reminded of how much you are appreciated and how much you are loved.

Fluffy, sleeping kitties - because they are simply irresistible.

Children eating vegetables - because it gives me hope that he may someday make good choices all on his own (yes, an ear of corn gives me hope!)

Strings - because they are magical instruments that make magical music and playing them is good for the soul.

Berries - because they are small and perfect and make life more delicious.

Yoga - because it gives me a chance to breath and recognize that I am breathing.
 

The ocean - because it heals, plain and simple.

A beautiful family to share all the previous ingredients with - because, honestly, what's the point of living a good life if you can't share it with precious people?
 

What's your recipe for a good life?